All Because of You

I dont hate you for who y0u are. I hate you for what you're doing to me. Inside, deep inside it hurts now. Its like something burning that wont go away, like a fire that keeps getting more fuel added to it; bringing the flames higher and higher.

You did this, you knew it would hurt but you did it anyway. 'Nice guys finish last', a song i stand by. Do the right thing and you lose, help a friend and you lose, save someone from hurting and you end up getting hurt.

Why now? Everything was starting to make sense at last. Life, work, friends, interviews. Finally my life might be on track. But its not about my life is it. Its about how your life has affected mine.
Someone once told me that love is defined as 'how you make another person feel about themself'. I used to think i done that job pretty well. Maybe i was wrong. I used to think i was loved. Maybe i was wrong - and now you. You made me see the light, with subtle changes i realised what you had done to me, intentional or not. You're not really to blame, i hold no real grievanc'es against you personally - more you as a symbol to what you may now have that i never will.

But thats my nice guy syndrome kicking in, not hating the person, hating the action 'hate the sin, love the sinner' as it were. Well I do hate the sin, I've lost a lot in my life and I have moved on. Today I need to make a choice about what my next step is, do I continue and ignore my internal monologue of paranoia and keep a friend or do i save myself?

Falling

..and then i fell. at last i think i did. its what all the bumps and bruises tell me anyway. the memory blank is strange, yes - i was drinking but not that bad. and why did i blank from the second i left the pub to the second i hit home? literally hit home....the wall.

i looked up and read 'security'. 'what are you doing here?' i asked quite surprised, defensive almost.
'helping you up' the man replied' i cant remember his tone but im guessing one of a man who wasnt impressed.
'well how did you know i was here?' i prodded further, curious as to how he had come to find me in this state i was in..... looking at my over reactions it was a state..... but not a drunken one. something was definitely off about me.
'CCTV' he exhaled reaching to help me
'oh! hey! there's my flat right there!' i said getting up from my slumped position. had i been asleep? unconscious? 'ill just be going in now, sorry about that, night then, sorry, bye' why was i still talking?


the next thing i know im trying to take my contact lenses out and ignoring my face.... i cant get them and decide to check their container. they sit looking up at me, waiting to see my next move. i shut them in the dark again and go back to a reflection that scares me to my core.
head - bashed, cut and scraped
left side of lips - swollen and cut pretty bad
eye - swollen

so it was a fall....... but i wasnt that drunk, im the first to admit it.......... i thought about it a minute. how did i get home. my mind had deserted me on this one, nothing. i was alone with a memory of the security guard and vaguely remember tripping somewhere. he night up to the point of leaving is clear as a bell. i could probably list every new persons name and age, time we moved pubs and time i left but then nothing.

my legs start to feel strained as i remember when i last felt this pain. like running a marathon but not. memory blanks, doing strange things. i had taken a seizure somewhere. had i been alone? had i been ignored, had someone helped me?

i dont know, i never will, maybe i dont want to

the eternal struggle

Dearest [Annonymous Residence Location],


As much as I think you are all great as people, I now feel obliged to let you know a few things after a note left on our door this morning (29 April 2008).

The very fact that you can accuse our flat of making the smell that only started occurring when the hole in the roof appeared and water started leaking through it is unbelievable. What makes it worse is that you have either never been up since then or never noticed a smell since backing up the point that it is blatantly not us, but you have ignored the hole in our roof, either with your eyes or by not getting messages through to the janitors correctly or you have just not been up to do the monthly checks at all.

It may be taken into account that 2 janitors have to be on the day that our roof has to be fixed but considering we were told that by after Christmas we would have our problem solved and it was only fixed very recently I think that all the exclamation marks and accusations were a bit out of order. Claiming that all of flat 16 caused the smell in the flat is not only outrageous but also insulting!! (<--- How do you like it? hurts doesn’t it?)

Talking of delayed responses, electricity bills 6 at a time isn’t exactly ideal either. Now I live in the dark most of the time. Sometimes ill rub 2 pieces of flint together to get a spark but then ill remember how sensitive your fire alarms are and ill stop. Its completely unfair what you have done to us and we have no time to ration our electricity anymore as we have no time to budget. I have very little money at present and am not happy to think I will be taking out a loan now to cover my costs of electricity when it could have been easily avoided. I, along with everyone else have visited the mailroom many times and have given you many opportunities to pass on the bills and yet you held them back from us for so long that life is become more complicated than any of us ever needed it to be.

Taking all this into account I hope you will at least not charge us for the drawing pin hole in the kitchen door that you have made when putting the note that you so kindly left us, it warms my heart thinking about it now….. I will be asking for a breakdown of costs if I am charged a single penny when I leave as at least on my part the flat will be in a good condition when I depart.

Sincerely,



Dave

The End....

The young man wonders what to do next. He is no longer part of another half. It will take some getting used to but they both understood it was for the best, and a kept friend is better than a lost one - that he knew for sure. He hasn't got round to cleaning all the things out yet though, he needs to and he knows it. 'part of the healing process' he's been told. That's just it. he doesn't feel like he needs to be healed right now, he feels that the break up was for the best. Yes, there was pain, but in the long run its for the best. A little pain now to save a lot of pain later. It makes sense really.

Space. Is that it? Has hanging out as friends been happening too fast? He doesn't think so. he feels its been ok, but feeling aren't just like a switch, that's a fact. Maybe after today there should be a couple of days space? Not suggested, not to cause pain, just to distance each other slightly to get used to the idea.

The separation was mutual, maybe the reasons were mostly his at present but eventually they would be mutual and even if they were his, he should be allowed to be selfish slightly. 3rd year, jobs, work, late night and early mornings. a weight has been lifted for now knowing that he's not being the boyfriend who treats his girlfriend badly (unintentionally though it may be).

Most people understand, most people see it as mature, but his parents, they see him to be selfish. they see him to be disregarding of her feelings. They assume its just a phase. It's not. He's happy they were happy as a couple, but things change, situations change and people change. Now he's happy their just friends. One day his parent's will understand that. For now he will have to put up with their disappointment in the whole situation. He knows they only want him to be happy, but if they want him to be happy they would listen completely rather than with selective hearing.

This is not the end he realises, its the beginning. Its a new start. The old other half can be involved in his life to an extent as long as they are both happy to continue as friends, it will simply be in a different way than it was before. He on the other hand can continue with his life and spend more time to himself ensuring no one gets hurt along the way. Prioritising his work, Friends .... and maybe the odd drink

a collection of boring thoughts

Piece of advice; although working in a soup kitchen is rewarding, you meet interesting people, you come away with interesting stories and you learn a lot about yourself you'll suddenly realise that now all those people you walk past and avoid eye contact with so as not to feel guilty about not giving money to them........ they now know your name.


That wasnt exactly advice, but it was a point, and a true one, it was going to be advice but it went a bit weird as i started typing. ok, heres some advice - never trust a bus driver who scowls as you get on the bus, you'll only end up in east kilbride twice and be convinced that your in balamory and/or the land of the dead as you get on busses you've never been on in your life......... stupid tube being off!!!

• you know anyone looking to hire anyone as a youth worker/community learning worker at around 17-18 grand any time soon-ish?

• applying for jobs sucks.

• can you say 'damn straight!' referring to someone who isnt?

• why are sinks called sinks? i guess they would sink, but isnt the idea that things sink in them?

• 2 blonde's are sitting on a bus, one turns to the other; 'breezy up here, isnt it??'

• would you rather fade out and be forgotten or be hatefully remembered? i'd rather do some good and then fade out.......

people on the subway

People on the subway amuse me. They look at me like they want the seat next to me but i just smile politely + look back at my phone. They come in all shapes + sizes, people on the subway. They stare, they listen they read. People on the subway; where are u going? People on the subway. Will u be my friend?

trying to bring you sumer, but im winter...

i just deleted a whole blog as it was going nowhere. it was just words. not words like 'cake banana policeman jelly irn bru gala casino beer fruit cup' - thats just daft, more like a ramble, kinda like this is turning out to be. but lets not start this again.

you ever wanted something so bad and hoped so much for it? you've promised yourself you wouldnt get your hopes up about it but then you cant help it, you do.... then what your looking at seems to slip away bit by bit? thats happening to me right now.
im due a backdated benefit, quite a large one, ive gave them every piece of information they've wanted, i've waited for days, weeks, months and now - years. and still no result. the fact is that i'm due about ..... well lets say its enough. but its gotten so bad that now i have to go to my MP and get him to help fight my case. and i need him to do it asap.

i've started to think what i could do with this money and my hopes are getting lifted and i'm just waiting for them to get smashed again in a few weeks, and it isnt gonna feel good. i got told by someone that things seem to be working out for me recently... and they did, but thats when i was hopeful. this money could be my chance to basically settle my student loan debts and never have to worry about them, to set aside money for rent on a flat next year, to maybe even pay for a couple of nice things for myself....

i can look at it in the respect that im not any worse off than when i started, cos im not. i never had the money, so i never lost it really. but the money was due to me through a benefit scheme and they've just avoided giving it to me at all costs.

i usually say to be pessimistic, that way things turn out better than you expect, but to be honest if your always pessimistic your worlds gonna be shit no matter what. i guess with this one im gonna have to live in optimism and put up with the dissapointment if things go that way.