Falling

..and then i fell. at last i think i did. its what all the bumps and bruises tell me anyway. the memory blank is strange, yes - i was drinking but not that bad. and why did i blank from the second i left the pub to the second i hit home? literally hit home....the wall.

i looked up and read 'security'. 'what are you doing here?' i asked quite surprised, defensive almost.
'helping you up' the man replied' i cant remember his tone but im guessing one of a man who wasnt impressed.
'well how did you know i was here?' i prodded further, curious as to how he had come to find me in this state i was in..... looking at my over reactions it was a state..... but not a drunken one. something was definitely off about me.
'CCTV' he exhaled reaching to help me
'oh! hey! there's my flat right there!' i said getting up from my slumped position. had i been asleep? unconscious? 'ill just be going in now, sorry about that, night then, sorry, bye' why was i still talking?


the next thing i know im trying to take my contact lenses out and ignoring my face.... i cant get them and decide to check their container. they sit looking up at me, waiting to see my next move. i shut them in the dark again and go back to a reflection that scares me to my core.
head - bashed, cut and scraped
left side of lips - swollen and cut pretty bad
eye - swollen

so it was a fall....... but i wasnt that drunk, im the first to admit it.......... i thought about it a minute. how did i get home. my mind had deserted me on this one, nothing. i was alone with a memory of the security guard and vaguely remember tripping somewhere. he night up to the point of leaving is clear as a bell. i could probably list every new persons name and age, time we moved pubs and time i left but then nothing.

my legs start to feel strained as i remember when i last felt this pain. like running a marathon but not. memory blanks, doing strange things. i had taken a seizure somewhere. had i been alone? had i been ignored, had someone helped me?

i dont know, i never will, maybe i dont want to

behind the mirror

I wrote it the following at around one 'o'clock in the morning after taking a youth group away to do a piece of work, have a meal and go to a disco..... I wrote it as if i was talking to myself as it is describing a seizure and then an absence seizure and with absence seizures i kinda feel like I'm having an out of body experience, (like I'm watching what goes on or passing on instructions) so i thought writing it as if i was talking to myself worked in telling how it played out.

It'll probably still be confusing to people who don't know me, even more so if you don't understand epilepsy at all but ill read back through it at the end and sum it up if i need to. Feel free to ask if you've got any questions....

'Dear -Me,

You took a seizure before you left today but you didn't tell anyone. It wasn't big but it threw you off a bit - maybe that's why Joe thought you looked drunk later and you just said you were tired? -, but you got on with things, you pulled through. you kept it to yourself and you worked away.
Looking back that might not have been the best idea; did you forget or did you just not want to tell in fear of being disallowed on the trip? - well whatever the reason you royally fecked up later.

It was like the butterfly effect meets some kind of stalker film. the flash backs were to the day mainly i think, but some bits of general group work over the last couple of months, but they weren't memories.... the were different somehow. and every time you looked in a mirror it seemed wrong. it was the reflection, you saw someone else didn't you? but someone else in each mirror you looked in. 4 different people you couldn't quite place but that you knew were still you - yet not you, and they were following you. You couldn't fix your hair for the party 'cos you couldn't snap out of it and only thinking about seizures wasn't helping anything.
Talking to Vibe on the phone for a bit helped but you could still tell he was concerned so it wasn't totally off your mind. you still felt 'wrong' : like you weren't in the right time, the right place.

That's the longest its ever lasted right?, a good.... well bad, 20 minutes with irregular flashes periodically through the night. It must have been scary seeing yourself in the reflection and not knowing if its really you, moving 'cos you know that the thought of it not being you is crazy and then trying to snap out of it but not managing to.

It must be even weirder wondering why you're aware, yet not aware and wondering what the right course of action would have been, For yourself, the youths, the workers ... for everyone.
You're not schizophrenic, hell, you wouldn't know you were if you were anyway.
You're reflection was moving with you but at least for that short time, your reflection wasn't your own......'

what the fudge is epistemology??

anyone? anyone at all? im not fussy.... ill take any suggestions. ok, things are ok right now but my tutor for my dissertation is asking me to bring in a couple of ideas for a meeting this thursday so im not going in blind.... i think the idea being that we have something to base the meeting on and then i can progress faster and feel more comfortable doing my dissertation after hes spoken to me.

hes asked what my stance is in regards to epistemology tho and upon reading up on this again all i seem to be finding is that its the difference between facts and truths..... if i read a bit more on this im sure ill be dandy but the question is 'what the hell has this got to do with my course and how im gonna set out my dissertation?' man, im stuck as a ...... stuck guy in a stuck place?

i thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink i may have some notes back home. i hope to jebus i have cos im screwed otherwise. screwed with a capital 'S' and a silent 'L' ... the silent 'L' is just for fun, you can chose where to put it. but seriously, work sucks. muchos. i did get extentions tho, and exceptions made which was nice so i cant be mad at the uni really, they are being really good, its just a lot of work to fit into a small time i rekon.

all ive been writing about recently is work isnt it...... that'll be why i stressed to the point of a minor seizure tonight i think.... thats it. stress. it was my last one too, ive decided. no more seizures for Dave. sure, ill still support epilepsy scotland - hell, maybe one day ill work for them but a year from now ill be seizure free with 2 functioning arms and getting ready to start driving lessons.......... works in theory huh?

ill leave you all on the note that cap'n rob just texted me

'sel la vee'