Status

its different amongst different people and different groups. i think ive noticed this a lot more recently though.

if you meet new people you technically have a chance to start off fresh, be someone new and act like someone thats the opposite of who you were or even are to other people to meet new and different people but i dont think ive ever done this. people have even told me that they're happy that university hasn't changed me and that im still myself, or when they hang out with my friends or im with them and their friends that im never anyone but myself.saying that, and bringing me back to the point of this blog, my status with different people, and groups is completely different in different places and situations.

at home im generally kinda guy who'll chat to anyone, have a laugh and do anything for his mates. i maybe even try too hard sometimes and get on my friends nerves because of this. the last sentance might also show i have a hint of paranoia in my system. im a genuine person who says what i feel unless it will make things harder for other people i care about and as much as i try to, i do end up arguing with my family quite a lot - probably because we're alike for different reasons and i sometimes do things they dont like me doing.

i think what makes me stand out is that ill talk a lot of crap and acknowledge it. ill laugh at my own expense because sarcasm is in my nature, i cant be expected to take the mick out of other people and not have it done in return. i adopted the name 'special dave' a while back which crops up again every so often because i talk a lot of crap, but i mean well.... but i will stand up for any of my mates who dont wanna cause trouble by doing it themselves if i feel something should be said. some people like that and wish they could, other people think im interfering. and im not afraid to apologise if i realise im in the wrong. why lose a friend over something that was my fault or could be easily resolved i figure.

at uni i gave it a shot, i mean i graduated but i think i was seen as someone who could fit in anywhere. which was true but by doing so i never made any long term friends unfortunately, everyone had fallen into permanent groups by the time i had realised it had happened. it didnt stop me hanging out, but it probably did make me distance myself a bit. at classes my status, or at least portrayed and therefore maybe the status i then projected to everyone else was that of a person who was willing to learn, but probably wasnt as experienced as some other people. this however did lead to me studying for assessments much further ahead than anyone else i knew and i only had 2 resits in my life at university which was better than expected.

university life however was different for me. i met a lot of people. some single serving, some long lasting and hopefully a few will be life long. I act to them no different than i do to my friends back home. the only difference may be that when i went to Glasgow i started drinking more, and if anything, my confidence has raised. i think i have helped some new friends gain more confidence in themselves also because of this and many of these newly acquired companions have been allies in many a house party or night at the union..... or both. I have a few different affectionate nicknames now which range from 'tit' to 'legend', contradictory but compassionate all the same.... or at least i like to think so.

hopefully all the above people will be waiting for me as friends to have more parties and have more nights out (or in) when i return form my spontaneous 2 month trip which i am going on early next month, cos if they're not ill have somethin to say about it!

which brings me onto my last and final point. i am away out of Scotland for 2 months shortly. another chance within my 22 year old life to change myself, change who i am, be someone else to impress the many or the few, to suit my surroundings and fit in. instead i will be myself and stick to my guns, i might stick out (im Scottish and ill be wearing a kilt every so often, of course ill stick out) but this could be a positive or negative thing. but either way im going to have a great time. ive had one so far, why change things for the 2 months im away?

in true rob style... thought of the day: the past has already happened and the future doesnt exist yet, all we can do is deal with the present

And then she was gone

I didnt know if i'd see her on the day she left me. We were already apart but remained in touch - it was a confusing situation, especially for me, you can count on that. Today however she was moving out and i had no idea how this was affecting her, how seeing me would affect her or if she cared.

I sent her a message last night asking if she wanted to say goodbye which to my 'delight' was ignored (the future would tell that she had fallen asleep due to the time that i sent it at) and i assumed had given me one of 2 answers 'it would be too hard' or 'i cant be bothered'. I would never know which but I would however know she did not want to see me anymore whereas i could (at least for the preset) not stop thinking of her. I continued to set an alarm for this morning to wake myself and her up to be the gentlemen I am and indeed to get my answer, as hard as it may be. I was willing to accept it as I was starting to move on and accept the innevitable, things were just progressing much slower than i had anticipated.

I awoke to a phone call her name showed up on the screen and she requested a quick goodbye now rather than immediately before she left. Being the person I am I was not going to turn this request down, I would even go on to offer to hel with her luggage would she need it!

We spoke about how things had ended, how she didnt want to go but about how i didnt want her to go for different reasons, there were a few ties i was conviced i could see her looking back at me like i must have been looking at her; longingly, like i'd never find anyone quite the same, wishing it had never gone wrong and still having those strong feelings. I wanted to kiss her, i almost did but i couldn't risk everything we've salvaged. Maybe i should have been bolder, there are times I wish i could have been but we were both upset, maybe for the same reasons, maybe for different ones and she was starting a new job tonight. I put her first. I dont hate myself for that but I hate that I seem to not be able to place any blame anywhere else, all my anger is taken out on me.

It is getting easier, but every time it gets hard again i slip a little, I do feel more confident, I dont think about her all the time now but only because i know she must never think about me.

Im not young and naive, I'm old enough to know that the phrase 'It's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all' is a lot of crap, no one needs to go through this pain. If i knew this was at the other side, i'd rather to have never loved at all.

Now i need to finish getting through the pain, It might be easier now that i know i won't see her all the time but thats what the next few days, weeks and months will till me i guess.

Good Things Come To Those Who....

Dont Expect, Look For It Or Want It.

Thats my theory anyway. i mean there are signs, things can happen for a reason, things can be and before completely turning around and giving you that great feeling you've been waiting for.

There was a guy I knew once who thought it couldt get any better and then it did. slowly things started to fall apart though and he thought the world was against him. its not though, things just take a bit of time to re-allign themselves to fit back into a new order of whats right. he's not there yet but hes getting there, his mates are with him and he understands what hes gotta do to get there. chances cant slip past him anymore and if they happen to maybe they weren't the chances he was waiting on. maybe they were just the things that were building him up to learn from.

He's becoming more confident now. i can see it already. he's not expecting anything good to happen anytime soon, he's not looking for it, he doesnt even want anything permanent. he just wants an opportunity to prove that he's worth something to himself as well as other people and get a fresh start at life, make some new friends and make things happen for himself.

if i can start to make it happen so can he, thats what i figure anyways. im not there yet either but i will be. and so will he.

good things come to those who........


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