trust is a curious word

i have a lot of friends. i also have a lot of secrets. secrets ranging in depth of how 'secret' they actually are. i find keeping other people's secrets much easier than keeping my own ive found too. and what ive really found is that if you can find someone to trust with one of your secrets then your really lucky.

its amazing how many people can say 'you can tell me anything'. they will usually have a few reasons for saying this:

1. gossip - they cant wait to tell someone else
2. they cant wait to know something someone else doest know
3. they cant wait to have something on you to use as blackmail
4. they might actually be sincere

now the people who gossip, dont be mad at them, you've probably been one. but lets face it, it gets us nowhere. the people who just want to know something - thats just sad. but the people who listen they're the mates you need to keep by you and return the favour when the time comes. and it will. probably over a few beers but it'll come. people keep secrets all the time and telling someone who ca actually keep quiet it an awesome thing. ive been the guy who listens and ive got a few people who i can talk to, different depths of things to different people maybe but it still happens.


the world is full of secrets........ whats yours?

behind the mirror

I wrote it the following at around one 'o'clock in the morning after taking a youth group away to do a piece of work, have a meal and go to a disco..... I wrote it as if i was talking to myself as it is describing a seizure and then an absence seizure and with absence seizures i kinda feel like I'm having an out of body experience, (like I'm watching what goes on or passing on instructions) so i thought writing it as if i was talking to myself worked in telling how it played out.

It'll probably still be confusing to people who don't know me, even more so if you don't understand epilepsy at all but ill read back through it at the end and sum it up if i need to. Feel free to ask if you've got any questions....

'Dear -Me,

You took a seizure before you left today but you didn't tell anyone. It wasn't big but it threw you off a bit - maybe that's why Joe thought you looked drunk later and you just said you were tired? -, but you got on with things, you pulled through. you kept it to yourself and you worked away.
Looking back that might not have been the best idea; did you forget or did you just not want to tell in fear of being disallowed on the trip? - well whatever the reason you royally fecked up later.

It was like the butterfly effect meets some kind of stalker film. the flash backs were to the day mainly i think, but some bits of general group work over the last couple of months, but they weren't memories.... the were different somehow. and every time you looked in a mirror it seemed wrong. it was the reflection, you saw someone else didn't you? but someone else in each mirror you looked in. 4 different people you couldn't quite place but that you knew were still you - yet not you, and they were following you. You couldn't fix your hair for the party 'cos you couldn't snap out of it and only thinking about seizures wasn't helping anything.
Talking to Vibe on the phone for a bit helped but you could still tell he was concerned so it wasn't totally off your mind. you still felt 'wrong' : like you weren't in the right time, the right place.

That's the longest its ever lasted right?, a good.... well bad, 20 minutes with irregular flashes periodically through the night. It must have been scary seeing yourself in the reflection and not knowing if its really you, moving 'cos you know that the thought of it not being you is crazy and then trying to snap out of it but not managing to.

It must be even weirder wondering why you're aware, yet not aware and wondering what the right course of action would have been, For yourself, the youths, the workers ... for everyone.
You're not schizophrenic, hell, you wouldn't know you were if you were anyway.
You're reflection was moving with you but at least for that short time, your reflection wasn't your own......'

flatmate wanted

apply within for more details......

I'm a Scots man...

read me for insight:

The Rule's Of The Sign's

ok, there's no strict rules, and this is much easier in person, and im more excitable and want to tell people more when im in person but following the signs in general is cool but on a night out.... its awesome...... you just have to be up for it, in the right state of mind.

ok, simple example. you friends doing something stupid - you say 'i have a bad feeling', you both leave suddenly a police patrol car goes past. now if you hadnt left you both woulda been caught.

another way of working it is that you just get a feeling around say.... a certain brand of beer, you keep that in your head and later on if that beer sticks out at you in another situation you follow it. if its in a strange place, if someone is holding it, if its the last one in a fridge, if its on offer in a shop.... this will lead you to something else..... now it depends what you've picked up on what you follow here, the more you follow, the more you have to be willing to wait for the next sign, look around for it or open your mind for the options.


prime example:

i was in a bar with a friend and he had a beer, i had a vodka. while i waited for him to finish his beer i tore up a flyer. we looked for a sign but nothing stuck out so we moved up a floor in the club. upstairs there was an empty table with the same empty bottle he had just drank and a torn up flyer, just like i had torn up. we went to it and looked around. My sign following friend found someone at the bar he knew but wasnt drawn to it strongly enough but we saw a tv screen showing a music video from the 80's.

a crown started spinning then a man climbed in a box, my friend said 'so we have to climb in a box?' i replied 'or we have to think outside the box?' - the man jumped back out the box..... stairs appeared on the tv screen. we went upstairs. we tried to find the crowns significance. i told Frase to reach in his pocked, he pulled out 50p, he turned it over, i asked what the queen wears on her head - a crown - we were on the pool table level. we played pool as 50p was the exact amount required.

banter was had and the night was tied up nicely by us actually stealing a sign..... we followed the signs to steal a sign.

you just use a link, and link it to something else. if its an offer, a name an object, where have you seen it? where will you see it? whats its relevance? this is a banterous game even if people sigh at first. fun for all the ...... well not family, but friends anyway.

pass on the legend


sincerely,


Dave



quote of the day.

'a good friends will bail you out of jail, a great friend will turn to you in the cell and realise you're both in deep shit!'

Dave 2.0

i finally feel ...... real.

ok, I'm guessing you need a little more explanation? i feel like i matter. i done a presentation on bullying the other day and it went well. i feel like i could do this this thing more than ever, sure the person in charge butted in half way through and i think i showed my anger, the kids seemed a bit bored but they enjoyed the session. They just said they'd heard it before.

the kids were even on my side and asked why the person in charge was butting in over me. its little things like that that make it worth while for me. i also managed to keep their concentration with some of my own activities while there was a rangers game on and got complimented by 2 other youth workers. its good to know I'm on the right track. I'm not a pro, but I'm doin ok for a start.

i feel like a change too....... for those of you who havent seen me in a while, my hairs a bit longer, nothing drastic. but it hasnt been cut since december. and i feel like a bit of an image shift. not completely. but i figured i'd never grown my hair so until it annoys me, thats what im gonna do. when it annoys me, its gonna get cut. if it doesnt, ill grow it to a length i like. why not?!?
i also havent shaved in like 5 days, and my facial hair moulds into a goatee shape all on its own, its weird like that.... so guess what im trying out?? again, until it annoys me.... it could be today, a week...a month? and for my 'well done on passing your dissertation Dave' present i bought a sweet brown leather jacket.

im lookin pretty pimpin' if i do say so myself...... and i do, although my brother in law is worried ill look like i should be on some list and kept away from kids rather than working with kids..... that aside, i dont think ill be changing, i wont be growing up just yet, im still as immature and willing to participate in as many drunken parties as ever but whenever money allows me, i shall exchange a shabby old t-shirt for somethin a little cooler...... probably from Primark.

ok, now i sound like a twat, so lets summarise: feel good and realise ill be entering workforce soon, dont wanna do that all shabby like (aka me now), fancy a change so decided to grow hair till it pisses me off (possibly any day now), and my new jacket rocks!!

p.s. i can almost stroak my facial hair as if I'm in deep thought about something ..... soon.........sooooooooon......

reflections

i have reflected upon my work practice at placement now for 4 weeks. for example, this week i reflected on how i finally feel more like a team member and a youth worker than just another youth sitting at the side and how i feel like im doing a lot of work and progressing with it. i also however reflected on how much fun a 47 hour week unpaid can be.

not everyone would want to work with kids, most people i know hate them, even though their reasons for hating them are probably because they see a little of theselves a few years previously insde the youths. but i do, i dont know why but its great fun, challenging, scary, fun - i get to play games sometimes and get paid. its like bein a id forever, but not in a creepy michael jackson way......

as well as placement reflection i realised that i passed all my essays bar the easiest one there was this year. sure i may have only got an E for one about wind turbines but a C for youth work and a C for my dissertation and im happy. all i gotta do is complete my resist and placement and technically im ready for graduation. the question then i pose is what to do now?

work? volunteer? sleep? travel? eat? move home? stay in glasow? start up my own show where i go undercover and cause all kinds of mischief? - what to do, what to do?

im not the best in my year, im not saying i am - but im not bad at what i do, and i like it. so i could do something with it. i just need to decide when..... before all the jobs dissapear.....