the eternal struggle

Dearest [Annonymous Residence Location],


As much as I think you are all great as people, I now feel obliged to let you know a few things after a note left on our door this morning (29 April 2008).

The very fact that you can accuse our flat of making the smell that only started occurring when the hole in the roof appeared and water started leaking through it is unbelievable. What makes it worse is that you have either never been up since then or never noticed a smell since backing up the point that it is blatantly not us, but you have ignored the hole in our roof, either with your eyes or by not getting messages through to the janitors correctly or you have just not been up to do the monthly checks at all.

It may be taken into account that 2 janitors have to be on the day that our roof has to be fixed but considering we were told that by after Christmas we would have our problem solved and it was only fixed very recently I think that all the exclamation marks and accusations were a bit out of order. Claiming that all of flat 16 caused the smell in the flat is not only outrageous but also insulting!! (<--- How do you like it? hurts doesn’t it?)

Talking of delayed responses, electricity bills 6 at a time isn’t exactly ideal either. Now I live in the dark most of the time. Sometimes ill rub 2 pieces of flint together to get a spark but then ill remember how sensitive your fire alarms are and ill stop. Its completely unfair what you have done to us and we have no time to ration our electricity anymore as we have no time to budget. I have very little money at present and am not happy to think I will be taking out a loan now to cover my costs of electricity when it could have been easily avoided. I, along with everyone else have visited the mailroom many times and have given you many opportunities to pass on the bills and yet you held them back from us for so long that life is become more complicated than any of us ever needed it to be.

Taking all this into account I hope you will at least not charge us for the drawing pin hole in the kitchen door that you have made when putting the note that you so kindly left us, it warms my heart thinking about it now….. I will be asking for a breakdown of costs if I am charged a single penny when I leave as at least on my part the flat will be in a good condition when I depart.

Sincerely,



Dave

The End....

The young man wonders what to do next. He is no longer part of another half. It will take some getting used to but they both understood it was for the best, and a kept friend is better than a lost one - that he knew for sure. He hasn't got round to cleaning all the things out yet though, he needs to and he knows it. 'part of the healing process' he's been told. That's just it. he doesn't feel like he needs to be healed right now, he feels that the break up was for the best. Yes, there was pain, but in the long run its for the best. A little pain now to save a lot of pain later. It makes sense really.

Space. Is that it? Has hanging out as friends been happening too fast? He doesn't think so. he feels its been ok, but feeling aren't just like a switch, that's a fact. Maybe after today there should be a couple of days space? Not suggested, not to cause pain, just to distance each other slightly to get used to the idea.

The separation was mutual, maybe the reasons were mostly his at present but eventually they would be mutual and even if they were his, he should be allowed to be selfish slightly. 3rd year, jobs, work, late night and early mornings. a weight has been lifted for now knowing that he's not being the boyfriend who treats his girlfriend badly (unintentionally though it may be).

Most people understand, most people see it as mature, but his parents, they see him to be selfish. they see him to be disregarding of her feelings. They assume its just a phase. It's not. He's happy they were happy as a couple, but things change, situations change and people change. Now he's happy their just friends. One day his parent's will understand that. For now he will have to put up with their disappointment in the whole situation. He knows they only want him to be happy, but if they want him to be happy they would listen completely rather than with selective hearing.

This is not the end he realises, its the beginning. Its a new start. The old other half can be involved in his life to an extent as long as they are both happy to continue as friends, it will simply be in a different way than it was before. He on the other hand can continue with his life and spend more time to himself ensuring no one gets hurt along the way. Prioritising his work, Friends .... and maybe the odd drink

a collection of boring thoughts

Piece of advice; although working in a soup kitchen is rewarding, you meet interesting people, you come away with interesting stories and you learn a lot about yourself you'll suddenly realise that now all those people you walk past and avoid eye contact with so as not to feel guilty about not giving money to them........ they now know your name.


That wasnt exactly advice, but it was a point, and a true one, it was going to be advice but it went a bit weird as i started typing. ok, heres some advice - never trust a bus driver who scowls as you get on the bus, you'll only end up in east kilbride twice and be convinced that your in balamory and/or the land of the dead as you get on busses you've never been on in your life......... stupid tube being off!!!

• you know anyone looking to hire anyone as a youth worker/community learning worker at around 17-18 grand any time soon-ish?

• applying for jobs sucks.

• can you say 'damn straight!' referring to someone who isnt?

• why are sinks called sinks? i guess they would sink, but isnt the idea that things sink in them?

• 2 blonde's are sitting on a bus, one turns to the other; 'breezy up here, isnt it??'

• would you rather fade out and be forgotten or be hatefully remembered? i'd rather do some good and then fade out.......

people on the subway

People on the subway amuse me. They look at me like they want the seat next to me but i just smile politely + look back at my phone. They come in all shapes + sizes, people on the subway. They stare, they listen they read. People on the subway; where are u going? People on the subway. Will u be my friend?

trying to bring you sumer, but im winter...

i just deleted a whole blog as it was going nowhere. it was just words. not words like 'cake banana policeman jelly irn bru gala casino beer fruit cup' - thats just daft, more like a ramble, kinda like this is turning out to be. but lets not start this again.

you ever wanted something so bad and hoped so much for it? you've promised yourself you wouldnt get your hopes up about it but then you cant help it, you do.... then what your looking at seems to slip away bit by bit? thats happening to me right now.
im due a backdated benefit, quite a large one, ive gave them every piece of information they've wanted, i've waited for days, weeks, months and now - years. and still no result. the fact is that i'm due about ..... well lets say its enough. but its gotten so bad that now i have to go to my MP and get him to help fight my case. and i need him to do it asap.

i've started to think what i could do with this money and my hopes are getting lifted and i'm just waiting for them to get smashed again in a few weeks, and it isnt gonna feel good. i got told by someone that things seem to be working out for me recently... and they did, but thats when i was hopeful. this money could be my chance to basically settle my student loan debts and never have to worry about them, to set aside money for rent on a flat next year, to maybe even pay for a couple of nice things for myself....

i can look at it in the respect that im not any worse off than when i started, cos im not. i never had the money, so i never lost it really. but the money was due to me through a benefit scheme and they've just avoided giving it to me at all costs.

i usually say to be pessimistic, that way things turn out better than you expect, but to be honest if your always pessimistic your worlds gonna be shit no matter what. i guess with this one im gonna have to live in optimism and put up with the dissapointment if things go that way.

trust is a curious word

i have a lot of friends. i also have a lot of secrets. secrets ranging in depth of how 'secret' they actually are. i find keeping other people's secrets much easier than keeping my own ive found too. and what ive really found is that if you can find someone to trust with one of your secrets then your really lucky.

its amazing how many people can say 'you can tell me anything'. they will usually have a few reasons for saying this:

1. gossip - they cant wait to tell someone else
2. they cant wait to know something someone else doest know
3. they cant wait to have something on you to use as blackmail
4. they might actually be sincere

now the people who gossip, dont be mad at them, you've probably been one. but lets face it, it gets us nowhere. the people who just want to know something - thats just sad. but the people who listen they're the mates you need to keep by you and return the favour when the time comes. and it will. probably over a few beers but it'll come. people keep secrets all the time and telling someone who ca actually keep quiet it an awesome thing. ive been the guy who listens and ive got a few people who i can talk to, different depths of things to different people maybe but it still happens.


the world is full of secrets........ whats yours?

behind the mirror

I wrote it the following at around one 'o'clock in the morning after taking a youth group away to do a piece of work, have a meal and go to a disco..... I wrote it as if i was talking to myself as it is describing a seizure and then an absence seizure and with absence seizures i kinda feel like I'm having an out of body experience, (like I'm watching what goes on or passing on instructions) so i thought writing it as if i was talking to myself worked in telling how it played out.

It'll probably still be confusing to people who don't know me, even more so if you don't understand epilepsy at all but ill read back through it at the end and sum it up if i need to. Feel free to ask if you've got any questions....

'Dear -Me,

You took a seizure before you left today but you didn't tell anyone. It wasn't big but it threw you off a bit - maybe that's why Joe thought you looked drunk later and you just said you were tired? -, but you got on with things, you pulled through. you kept it to yourself and you worked away.
Looking back that might not have been the best idea; did you forget or did you just not want to tell in fear of being disallowed on the trip? - well whatever the reason you royally fecked up later.

It was like the butterfly effect meets some kind of stalker film. the flash backs were to the day mainly i think, but some bits of general group work over the last couple of months, but they weren't memories.... the were different somehow. and every time you looked in a mirror it seemed wrong. it was the reflection, you saw someone else didn't you? but someone else in each mirror you looked in. 4 different people you couldn't quite place but that you knew were still you - yet not you, and they were following you. You couldn't fix your hair for the party 'cos you couldn't snap out of it and only thinking about seizures wasn't helping anything.
Talking to Vibe on the phone for a bit helped but you could still tell he was concerned so it wasn't totally off your mind. you still felt 'wrong' : like you weren't in the right time, the right place.

That's the longest its ever lasted right?, a good.... well bad, 20 minutes with irregular flashes periodically through the night. It must have been scary seeing yourself in the reflection and not knowing if its really you, moving 'cos you know that the thought of it not being you is crazy and then trying to snap out of it but not managing to.

It must be even weirder wondering why you're aware, yet not aware and wondering what the right course of action would have been, For yourself, the youths, the workers ... for everyone.
You're not schizophrenic, hell, you wouldn't know you were if you were anyway.
You're reflection was moving with you but at least for that short time, your reflection wasn't your own......'