i just deleted a whole blog as it was going nowhere. it was just words. not words like 'cake banana policeman jelly irn bru gala casino beer fruit cup' - thats just daft, more like a ramble, kinda like this is turning out to be. but lets not start this again.
you ever wanted something so bad and hoped so much for it? you've promised yourself you wouldnt get your hopes up about it but then you cant help it, you do.... then what your looking at seems to slip away bit by bit? thats happening to me right now.
im due a backdated benefit, quite a large one, ive gave them every piece of information they've wanted, i've waited for days, weeks, months and now - years. and still no result. the fact is that i'm due about ..... well lets say its enough. but its gotten so bad that now i have to go to my MP and get him to help fight my case. and i need him to do it asap.
i've started to think what i could do with this money and my hopes are getting lifted and i'm just waiting for them to get smashed again in a few weeks, and it isnt gonna feel good. i got told by someone that things seem to be working out for me recently... and they did, but thats when i was hopeful. this money could be my chance to basically settle my student loan debts and never have to worry about them, to set aside money for rent on a flat next year, to maybe even pay for a couple of nice things for myself....
i can look at it in the respect that im not any worse off than when i started, cos im not. i never had the money, so i never lost it really. but the money was due to me through a benefit scheme and they've just avoided giving it to me at all costs.
i usually say to be pessimistic, that way things turn out better than you expect, but to be honest if your always pessimistic your worlds gonna be shit no matter what. i guess with this one im gonna have to live in optimism and put up with the dissapointment if things go that way.
i have a lot of friends. i also have a lot of secrets. secrets ranging in depth of how 'secret' they actually are. i find keeping other people's secrets much easier than keeping my own ive found too. and what ive really found is that if you can find someone to trust with one of your secrets then your really lucky.
its amazing how many people can say 'you can tell me anything'. they will usually have a few reasons for saying this:
1. gossip - they cant wait to tell someone else
2. they cant wait to know something someone else doest know
3. they cant wait to have something on you to use as blackmail
4. they might actually be sincere
now the people who gossip, dont be mad at them, you've probably been one. but lets face it, it gets us nowhere. the people who just want to know something - thats just sad. but the people who listen they're the mates you need to keep by you and return the favour when the time comes. and it will. probably over a few beers but it'll come. people keep secrets all the time and telling someone who ca actually keep quiet it an awesome thing. ive been the guy who listens and ive got a few people who i can talk to, different depths of things to different people maybe but it still happens.
the world is full of secrets........ whats yours?
I wrote it the following at around one 'o'clock in the morning after taking a youth group away to do a piece of work, have a meal and go to a disco..... I wrote it as if i was talking to myself as it is describing a seizure and then an absence seizure and with absence seizures i kinda feel like I'm having an out of body experience, (like I'm watching what goes on or passing on instructions) so i thought writing it as if i was talking to myself worked in telling how it played out.
It'll probably still be confusing to people who don't know me, even more so if you don't understand epilepsy at all but ill read back through it at the end and sum it up if i need to. Feel free to ask if you've got any questions....
'Dear -Me,
You took a seizure before you left today but you didn't tell anyone. It wasn't big but it threw you off a bit - maybe that's why Joe thought you looked drunk later and you just said you were tired? -, but you got on with things, you pulled through. you kept it to yourself and you worked away.
Looking back that might not have been the best idea; did you forget or did you just not want to tell in fear of being disallowed on the trip? - well whatever the reason you royally fecked up later.
It was like the butterfly effect meets some kind of stalker film. the flash backs were to the day mainly i think, but some bits of general group work over the last couple of months, but they weren't memories.... the were different somehow. and every time you looked in a mirror it seemed wrong. it was the reflection, you saw someone else didn't you? but someone else in each mirror you looked in. 4 different people you couldn't quite place but that you knew were still you - yet not you, and they were following you. You couldn't fix your hair for the party 'cos you couldn't snap out of it and only thinking about seizures wasn't helping anything.
Talking to Vibe on the phone for a bit helped but you could still tell he was concerned so it wasn't totally off your mind. you still felt 'wrong' : like you weren't in the right time, the right place.
That's the longest its ever lasted right?, a good.... well bad, 20 minutes with irregular flashes periodically through the night. It must have been scary seeing yourself in the reflection and not knowing if its really you, moving 'cos you know that the thought of it not being you is crazy and then trying to snap out of it but not managing to.
It must be even weirder wondering why you're aware, yet not aware and wondering what the right course of action would have been, For yourself, the youths, the workers ... for everyone.
You're not schizophrenic, hell, you wouldn't know you were if you were anyway.
You're reflection was moving with you but at least for that short time, your reflection wasn't your own......'
