my first and last resort

living on a farm gets kinda tedious. There isnt much to do right now apart from the obvious - tidy up, and to be fair, i dont wanna do that, i look for distractions and wheres best for that? the Internet. my blog, sites where i can post comments to my friends, i can download things via itunes, send emails or if nothing else works i can just watch a dvd. the Internet is actually a curse.

I mean its brilliant, i dont know how i'd survive without it, but with it i am a zombie. Looking to my right there's so much to be done but thinking in my head theres so many distractions from actually continuing with work that NEEDS to be done before i can move out.

For those of you addicted to social networking sites such as myself i strongly suggest listening to 'new friend request' by Gym Class Heroes. It defines everything i've just said and more. Its genius, seriously. give it a listen, its probably on their home page - it basically describes how desperate people are to escape reality that they use the Internet to do so...... although they go into more depths.

And we all do it from time to time, I know i do. even if its a cyber reality of talking to my friends, ok that sounds kinda weird now. but its a distraction. it just means when my parents ask me to do something i can excuse myself from it as 'im busy' or when i see a mess i can 'get to it later'.
Later never arrives and if i want to move out, later has to be soon. I have 8 bags sitting around me right now and i actually dont know whats in any of them....... jesus.

Internet. I both love and hate you. You have helped me get where I am, this is a great thing and a terrible thing all at once. damn you......

the unexpected wake up call

He stayed up late at night, he had things to do - at least thats what he told people whilst he watched the latest season of his favourite tv show. This of couse resulted in sleeping in during the day, he knew his parents wouldn't be best pleased about this now that he was home but it was a sacrifice he was willing to take.

He fell asleep around 4am and the next thing he realises he's waking up to the 'vrooom vrooom vrooom' vibration of a text message coming through at half past 10 in the morning. Picking up the phone in a hazy state and expecting it to be one of about 7 people he is shocked to see the ex girlfriends name there when he opened the '1 message received'. he looks through his recently rubbed eyes to read 'im sorry for hurting you'.

Confusion strikes, yes he was hurt by the break up once upon a time. The break up had initially had been mutual, then as the story goes, each of them had hurt differently but the young man had wanted to rekindle the relationship whereas the girl wanted alone time. This turned out to be time where she would stay with the boy sh was seeing however and develop that to a relationship however. As the confusion continued to set in all the young man could think to do was leave the message until he was more awake or do what he really wanted to do - ask where this sudden apology had came from..... so he asked where the apology came from.

Eventually he got a reply stating that she was just thinking how upset he was and that she just wanted to say sorry...... and yes, he was upset for a while and she apologised at the time. Why apologise again now? guilt? closure? thinking about him? just wanting him to say its all ok so they can be out of each others lives? who knows apart from the girl.

It was time for the truth, so thats what he replied with. it basically said that he was upset but that he wasnt anymore, he knew things weren't going to change any time soon and he had accepted that, he used to want things to be different but he was fine now, he didn't like the fact she went straight into another relationship as it seemed like their time together meant nothing but it was obviously was best for her. He would probably never be fine with the girl and her new other half together at the same time but if the ex and himself remained friends then at least that would be something.

there was no reply after that. maybe there would be, maybe there wouldn't. maybe she was stuck for words. There are a lot of if's, but's and maybe's in this story. In the long run though, if the girl is apologising then the man thinks there is a reason so he feels that giving his honest opinion was the best thing to do in return. why now? he doesnt know, the outcome? he doesn't know.

what the future holds? whatever i want it to. this is MY life, I had a choice on what to do and I think I made the right one.

David Crozier B.A.

im gone left, away, no more. the flat was cleaned - sparkling infact and i packed up and left...... oh yeah, then i went to go graduate.

and graduate i did. crapping myself all the way i might add. it was like a harry potter reunion with the whole cloak deal and i was shaking knowing that a fifteen second walk across stage was all i had to do to officially graduate, yet it seemed like so much. in time though my name was called, i walked half way, bowed slightly at the first man who put a cushion on my head (he same one he had to everyone else which is just asking for head lice transfer if you ask me) then i handed my hood to someone else and received my certificate from another lady. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand all without tripping up! thank god!

had some professional photos taken afterwards too which was cool and took some casual and novelty ones too including myself using the cloak as a batman cape and also putting it all on kenny as he doesnt have a degree...... all in the name of good fun.

but check me out now, all qualified..... ive still got loads to do, a lot of my life to sort out and get on with but im one step closer now :)

before i go.....

to sum up in more than a few words;

had an awesome day out yesterday with rob who was his usual banterous self, cl (who i kept jumping between the many names i know her by) and ross (who i thought was called russ half the time). eventually we were joined by more people, some of which i had met before (yet they had no recollection of me) and others were brand new - indiana jones was one.... and my theory of 'everyones called dave was proven right as i met 2 others by the same name affectionately (i assume) known as turbo dave and party dave....... i didnt have a nickname, but i did have on a sweet jacket, charity shop bought and tweed like though it was it was perfect. i somehow even got into campus and kusion with it, and bouners in glasgow hate me!!

i spent most of the night talking crap i assume, tis my normal way but made some single serving friends at least and they were all very nice. i however was very much in the mood for dancing and found it highly amusing when i got lost in the club when i started dancing alone. it didnt mater to me though, nor did it matter that i dance like a loon. i was having fun, i even started talking to people about my jacket and i believe at one point i may have called it sexy....

what made it better was that every time i looked at my clock time seemed to be moving slowly, just for me - as if to say 'its your last nite in glasgow for a while probably dave, enjoy it!', so i did... i was even prepared to stay alone until 3 if i had to but decided that people who lived in the same direction as me leaving half an hour earlier was a happy medium, especially since i had to get up at 10 for an appointment today!

but i enjoyed last night a lot, and for different reasons; my new jacket, great company, new faces and old ones, gettin tipsy, dancing, bouncers not hating me, pretending i was 'brushing dirt off my shoulder' jay-z style, and having a night out to remember.

i leave glasgow tomorrow, i dont know how long for, forever? a week, a month.... till i get a job here, till i visit a friend? i really dont know. ill be back but maybe i need a fresh start from this place. im really happy for the friends i have made though this year and i hope that we do keep in touch and you let me pester you whenever the opportunity arises ..... seriously, farms aren't that amusing!!

englishy

After a rather strange conversation with CL earlier, and not strange as in bad - strange as in, talking a lot of crap (mostly on my part probably) we got onto the topic of what tc show she likes..... angel and buffy came up, to an extent this gave her cool points. then however so did pride and prejudice came up, something ive now decided should only be watched as part of a drinking game (as this is clearly the only way it can be enjoyed)


take this quote i found for example:

'why there mr darcy..... is that a mars bar in your hand or are you just dreadfully happy to see me?'

'well, what? this? oh, this is frightfully embaressing but if i have to be honest my dear - and i fear i must, oh what the devil! i do believe that i am growing rather fond of you'

its just too ....... englishy.......... this is why a drinking game would make it more fun....

here's the pic i think went with the quote by the way:

the saturday pub

in advance, je suis drunk. this will hopefully be explained in the story...... brb, im gonna put on comfy manly pyjama's!!

thats right, a red hot chilli peppers top thats warped in the wash and pj shorts count as manly (only cos i dont wanna be womanly)....illl never really be manly, lets face it, its not in my nature, its not me, its not Dave-esque but ill pretend it is whilst im drunk for the banter. as i like to say time and time again, its all about the banter!!

anyways, to keep the pub nameless so as the popularity doesn't rise overnight (as i know it would) i went to the pub with my good friend fran d tonight and her friends who its nice to know are actually slowly becoming more than aquantinces of my own as we are getting on very well. bantwer was had and i was talking to almost everyone. its a pub after all, you cant talk t9o everyone as the volume of not only the music is loud but of some people already intoxicated...... these people make it very difficult to chat to as when you try and talk anll you get is 'MY NAME IS ________________ WHATS YOURS?????' and then you spend 5 minutes rinsing out your ears before you get the next sentance from them.

buty i did get good chat from fran d and DA, also laura and muro (all previous contacts who i had happily met before) as well as some new people who were in the pub of our choice......

eventually we moved onto a club, the usual one from this pub and to be fair, i like it for a couple of reasons - i never get id's we do rounds and i always end up drunk...... just a shame fran ended up goin home. it was nic ehowever that i was accepted into the group so easily and with such ease, i have had this done in groups before but i have only met most of these people between 1 and 3 times before and iot was a really nice thing for them to accept me so easily.

rounds were taken, drinks were downed, danced were danced to..... including DA and myself gay dancing from time to time whilst left alone.... yes, i admit it, i probably shoulsdnt but what the heck, banter and all that - at least he didnt successfully turn me like he planned :P

the end of the night came and i literally lost track of everybody one by one, found them agaion and then lost them again. more detail i hear you ask? ok, heres the breakdown:

laura ran back in the club after the baywatch soundtrack - i wasnt on, i ended up holding her bag! we found everyone else, i phoned marion, we lost everyone else, i wealked marion from city centre to partick.....maybe 2 miles-ish? was told i could stay at DA's flat, DA didn't answer...... i walked home. here i am, blogging at 5:15am.

whats wrong with me? i should be bloody sleeping!!!!! im going to bournemouth at a 6am train from central on monday, i need to rest tomorrow and pack!!!

bad dave, silly dave!!!! sleeepy dave?? nope? whats wrong with me?? remiond me to tell you a funny story soon. if i havent been reminded ill know enough people dont read this and will need to expand the readers....


love always,

Dtc

x

The Day That Was

It was actually, dare I say it? I think I dare....... fun!
Now i don't want to jinx it, the day is over but there are things still to continue from it (remembering enough to write about it for one) but it was actually the first 'guys night out' I can actually remember having that wasnt just me and frase.. not that they aren't awesome, but as far as a night out goes, the more the merrier i say. and merry we were!

at 99p a drink we werent exactly scoffing, the bearded one (not rob, he had recently had his monthly shave) was practically ecstatic and wished he had been told about strathclyde's glorious tuesday offer before now. so we drank and we played pool like real men do.... whilst taking ridiculous photos (see attached) and following the signs (see 'the Celestine prophecy or my blog entitled 'the rules of the signs') - rob was avoiding this particular part of the evening but he was providing enough banter for us to let it go this time.

about ten we left to depart to our club of the evening, with every intention of getting in but in all honesty, with no expectation. Thankfully we ran into a couple of random girls who persuaded us to go to another club as all drinks were 10p cheaper..... thats right, 10p.

we never left the union that night, between comments over my 'i found jesus: he was behind the sofa the whole time' tshirt, steve being trigger happy with the camera, frase being particularly smooth and rob getting his groove on...

we also caught up with the girls we met outside and their mates who it turned out were pretty cool and we had a good laugh with them too, i even met a guy i knew from first year at uni. so banter was had and new drunken acquaintances were made..... all that was needed for a night out really.

the night suddenly drew to a close at 2am (earlier than i had wanted but later than i had expected) and rob, having stayed about 5 hours more than he had intended made an understandable sharp exit, myself and my friends from fife kicked about and walked our new best drunken friends to best kebab, where they'll steal your money if they rekon your drunk enough.

i however was walking bare footed in my shoes as my socks were on someone elses feet, i think it went a bit like this:

'my feet hurt, i wish i had socks'

'my names dave, would you like my socks, i have shoes that are sensible and dont hurt my feet'

'really?'

'sure, they're just weighing me down anyways'

After 'best kebab' we got all the girls into a taxi and spent about an hour taking in the scenery by ways of stupid photos which seemed hilarious at the time, but as steve is leaving soon it had to be done.

all in all it was an amazing night, we met some new people, had a good laugh and there was good company to enjoy it all.

if i have another night out soon that matches this quality ill be a lucky man....

spontanious me

tomorrow shall be good. its those spontanious nights that i love the most, the ones where you let thisngs happen or you plan them so late that things just have to fall into place.

for those of you who dont know me as well, im an organiser, i need to know whats happening when. its a compulsion really - no, its not diagnosed but i know its there. if it wasnt for this half of my group would never meet up i dont think and i wouldnt have had half of teh opportunities ive had on the other hand when i let go of this 'need to know' mentality i can have some of the best nights ever.

take right now for example, i just caught fraser before i put some washing on, explained that steve was coming through tomorrow and he should come. he emailed me and said he'd be there and could use the break. yes, there is a vague plan there but only so far as to we are meeting up and getting so drunk we wont feel feeligs anymore, and lets face it - isnt that what the world needs? drunk twenty somethings wandering through town reminising about the past and laughing about the banterous things they've done throughout the day?

so ive done it, ive let go.... for now.

today i tidy, tomorrow i party....

like my msn name says currently,

'its not who you were, its who you are now that counts'

dealing and rekindling

everyone knows that uni isnt what its cracked up to be in all cases. at least its not what the media portrays. its not all party party party and its not all getting high and looking out for the next girl.

it should be about having fun and meeting new people though. this i have tried to do. and i feel ive lost touch with it a bit. something tonight sparked something in me to realise that all though friends come and go, its the keeping in touch that will stop them going forever.

my friend who i have not properly seen in a long time hung out with me for a good portion of tonight, we havent done this properly in god knows how long and i had an awesome time just in their company. i don't know in the long run how often this can happen so before this fades for another few months we have arranged to meet again in the next week to retain this friendship.

it helps me deal with current circumstances, remember old times and form new memories. happy times all round on the whole.

not all is well but things are looking up and i believe that if i can bring this to more situations then i wont lose touch like i am fearing i will, i will merely be distant. ready to re-embark my friendship with people when the time calls.


sincerely,

an intoxicated dave

And then she was gone

I didnt know if i'd see her on the day she left me. We were already apart but remained in touch - it was a confusing situation, especially for me, you can count on that. Today however she was moving out and i had no idea how this was affecting her, how seeing me would affect her or if she cared.

I sent her a message last night asking if she wanted to say goodbye which to my 'delight' was ignored (the future would tell that she had fallen asleep due to the time that i sent it at) and i assumed had given me one of 2 answers 'it would be too hard' or 'i cant be bothered'. I would never know which but I would however know she did not want to see me anymore whereas i could (at least for the preset) not stop thinking of her. I continued to set an alarm for this morning to wake myself and her up to be the gentlemen I am and indeed to get my answer, as hard as it may be. I was willing to accept it as I was starting to move on and accept the innevitable, things were just progressing much slower than i had anticipated.

I awoke to a phone call her name showed up on the screen and she requested a quick goodbye now rather than immediately before she left. Being the person I am I was not going to turn this request down, I would even go on to offer to hel with her luggage would she need it!

We spoke about how things had ended, how she didnt want to go but about how i didnt want her to go for different reasons, there were a few ties i was conviced i could see her looking back at me like i must have been looking at her; longingly, like i'd never find anyone quite the same, wishing it had never gone wrong and still having those strong feelings. I wanted to kiss her, i almost did but i couldn't risk everything we've salvaged. Maybe i should have been bolder, there are times I wish i could have been but we were both upset, maybe for the same reasons, maybe for different ones and she was starting a new job tonight. I put her first. I dont hate myself for that but I hate that I seem to not be able to place any blame anywhere else, all my anger is taken out on me.

It is getting easier, but every time it gets hard again i slip a little, I do feel more confident, I dont think about her all the time now but only because i know she must never think about me.

Im not young and naive, I'm old enough to know that the phrase 'It's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all' is a lot of crap, no one needs to go through this pain. If i knew this was at the other side, i'd rather to have never loved at all.

Now i need to finish getting through the pain, It might be easier now that i know i won't see her all the time but thats what the next few days, weeks and months will till me i guess.