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Monday, 2 June 2008

And then she was gone

I didnt know if i'd see her on the day she left me. We were already apart but remained in touch - it was a confusing situation, especially for me, you can count on that. Today however she was moving out and i had no idea how this was affecting her, how seeing me would affect her or if she cared.

I sent her a message last night asking if she wanted to say goodbye which to my 'delight' was ignored (the future would tell that she had fallen asleep due to the time that i sent it at) and i assumed had given me one of 2 answers 'it would be too hard' or 'i cant be bothered'. I would never know which but I would however know she did not want to see me anymore whereas i could (at least for the preset) not stop thinking of her. I continued to set an alarm for this morning to wake myself and her up to be the gentlemen I am and indeed to get my answer, as hard as it may be. I was willing to accept it as I was starting to move on and accept the innevitable, things were just progressing much slower than i had anticipated.

I awoke to a phone call her name showed up on the screen and she requested a quick goodbye now rather than immediately before she left. Being the person I am I was not going to turn this request down, I would even go on to offer to hel with her luggage would she need it!

We spoke about how things had ended, how she didnt want to go but about how i didnt want her to go for different reasons, there were a few ties i was conviced i could see her looking back at me like i must have been looking at her; longingly, like i'd never find anyone quite the same, wishing it had never gone wrong and still having those strong feelings. I wanted to kiss her, i almost did but i couldn't risk everything we've salvaged. Maybe i should have been bolder, there are times I wish i could have been but we were both upset, maybe for the same reasons, maybe for different ones and she was starting a new job tonight. I put her first. I dont hate myself for that but I hate that I seem to not be able to place any blame anywhere else, all my anger is taken out on me.

It is getting easier, but every time it gets hard again i slip a little, I do feel more confident, I dont think about her all the time now but only because i know she must never think about me.

Im not young and naive, I'm old enough to know that the phrase 'It's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all' is a lot of crap, no one needs to go through this pain. If i knew this was at the other side, i'd rather to have never loved at all.

Now i need to finish getting through the pain, It might be easier now that i know i won't see her all the time but thats what the next few days, weeks and months will till me i guess.

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