Good Things Come To Those Who....

Dont Expect, Look For It Or Want It.

Thats my theory anyway. i mean there are signs, things can happen for a reason, things can be and before completely turning around and giving you that great feeling you've been waiting for.

There was a guy I knew once who thought it couldt get any better and then it did. slowly things started to fall apart though and he thought the world was against him. its not though, things just take a bit of time to re-allign themselves to fit back into a new order of whats right. he's not there yet but hes getting there, his mates are with him and he understands what hes gotta do to get there. chances cant slip past him anymore and if they happen to maybe they weren't the chances he was waiting on. maybe they were just the things that were building him up to learn from.

He's becoming more confident now. i can see it already. he's not expecting anything good to happen anytime soon, he's not looking for it, he doesnt even want anything permanent. he just wants an opportunity to prove that he's worth something to himself as well as other people and get a fresh start at life, make some new friends and make things happen for himself.

if i can start to make it happen so can he, thats what i figure anyways. im not there yet either but i will be. and so will he.

good things come to those who........


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wait

this is my life, and its ending one minute at a time

Don't worry, thats not a bad thing. Its just a point. Its a point to stop spending time being upset about things i cant do anything about and moping like i have been doing for the last while and start getting on with things again.

What im basically saying is that life flies by, if you dont reach out and grab a piece of it then it'll all be gone before you can do anything about it. There are highs, there are lows but overall and eventually you have to realise that you have to keep the good memories and learn from the bad experiences, put your life back on track as soon as you can and try as hard as you can not to dwell on where you could have been better.

New experiences will come along, maybe old ones will cross your path again and by then you'll know how to handle them better and remember that your friends really are there for you.

Focus on what you need to, be selfish from time to time but never forget those that have helped you when you have needed it most and this is your big chance at life, make the most of it, do your best but dont be afraid to make mistakes, they are how you learn, how you become better next time round.

This is my life, and its ending one minute at a time ...... so im going to make the best of every single second..

Not My Words

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.

Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.

Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.

Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a peadophile… Some people are just nice.

Thou shalt not read NME.

Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.

Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.

Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.

Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.

Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products.

Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.

Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.

Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.

Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.

Thou shalt not watch Hollyokes.

Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave before it’s done just because you’ve finished your shitty little poem or song you self-righteous prick.

Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were. - The Beatles… Were just a band.Led Zepplin… Just a band.The Beach Boys… Just a band.The Sex Pistols… Just a band.The Clash… Just a band.Crass… Just a band.Minor Threat… Just a band.The Cure… Just a band.The Smiths… Just a band.Nirvana… Just a band.The Pixies… Just a band.Oasis… Just a band.Radiohead… Just a band.Bloc Party… Just a band.The Arctic Monkeys… Just a band.The Next Big Thing.. JUST A BAND.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries.

Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.

Thou shalt not pimp my ride.Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.

Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.

Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.

When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.

When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.

When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise…

Thou shalt not quote me happy.

Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.

Thou shalt not wish you girlfriend was a freak like me.

Thou shalt spell the word “Pheonix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.

Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.

Thou shalt think for yourselves.

things ive done

ive done a lot in my life, some good, some bad - positives and negatives. reflections on what ive done is the main thing. finding out where ive went wrong and trying to rectify my mistakes.

some mistakes cant be rectified ive now come to realise. some mistakes just have to be learned from and you have to move on. moving on is hard if the mistake is a tough lesson to learn from... if people are hurt in the process, but moving on is the best action apparently - so the rumors say anyway.

ive done a lot of thinking about when ive stressed, when im nervous, when i have gone wrong and when ive hurt people as well as myself. it never gets any easier. the question is, what do i do with this information, how do i process it, what do i do now?

the answer?; i don't know. try to progress, try to be myself, try to ensure i can learn from it to not hurt myself and others from now on.

the result? time will tell i guess.........


time is a healer, time is knowledge, time tells us of all things that have been and will be.

its a crazy ole world

nobody knows it but you've got a secret side and you use it only for me.

yes, technically it should be secret smile but recently theres this other side of you im seeing. its different, angrier, louder, less communicative, somehow stronger and when your with me your one person but when we're apart i wonder if your another.

the side i see when your with me is just like it used to be, i sometimes think im the only ones who knows who you really are. when just the 2 of us hang out things dont seem to have changed at all, but when i imagine you moving on and see how much things have really changed over the last month i realise that maybe your changing because you want to, maybe its because you have to, or maybe its because its time.

i never saw a gap growing so vast though, if i jump now i might just make it to the other side. if i stay here im bound to be hurt and never be free. what hurts me is that i want to know what happens next, what happens in the next chapter of this big book we're all living in every day and will the gu and the girl get back together or will they realise it was never meant to be?

lyrics and the girl

These words get to me - 'your all i want, your all i need, your everything' - its a song i like. it used to have meaning. it follws by saying 'how can i stand her with you and not be moved by you, can you tell me how could it be any better than this?'

it now kills me every time i hear it, but i cant stop listening. i cant focuss. im actually different, and i dont know what to do. the songs lyrics were just lyrics once, taken from smallville of all things! a scene where clark longed for lana's love as she was so close yet so far, they became something different though when i shared the song with someone else.

i took the song for my own unique song and enjoyed it, i shared it with someone one night and it soon became a shared song. now i listen to it alone, i listen to it as i type, as i work and i reminise. it makes me think of what once was and what i know never will be again. i thought things had worked out for the best but i began to miss the one i shared the song with recently. im not so sure they miss me however and soon i will know for sure that they dont and it will take a lot of water to rehydrate me to keep the tears flowing.

i used to think this was a song i would share forever but now i think its something i will have to listen to alone. i dont want to but i cant sway opinions, i cant force the hand of another and i cant change what was meant to be. i want the one who used to love this song to be happy most of all. i wanted it to be with me, even when we were apart i knew i did but i tried to get on. what i cant stand is the thought of another song being shared, another tune for her to dance to in the moonlight, another beat in the background where she is happy with someone else.

it might be too late for me, but one out of two isnt bad. i wont like it, but if she needs to forget the lyrics i will have to learn to aswell...

The Person You See Before You

i'd wear my heart on my sleeve, but where has that got me? a heart out of place and a messy shirt, thats where. vulnerable, out of control and unhappy.

i'd be honest if i only knew how, this persona you all see isnt really me, its who you like to see, its who i like to see. the real me is hidden below layers. oh, im in here but it would take more than a telescope to see deep enough to find me.

im lonely, you dont know that though. no one does. im fine really, 'happy happy happy', i say with anguish eating at me. drinking to forget, watching something to escape reality. avoiding evertything to escape the truth that is my life.

its not all badthough, so dont shed a tear for me. i always pull through somehow. life finds a way. i find a way. im a sociable character who sometimes mixes with the wrong crowd, does the right thing for the wrong reasons or thew wrong thing for the right, im scared of the poast and look forward to the future while at the same time i cant bear to think whats infront of me.

im human, just like you. but not like you.

its a curious things really isnt it? life i mean. everything can suddenly go so fast that it seems to go past before you have a chance to join in. thats what seems to have happened to me. im i it now, i have a role, a part to play. i didnt chose it, it chose me. so here i am, living my life, sometimes a day at a time, sometimes a week, sometimes a minute seems like an hour and this 22 year old feels ready for retirement before he's even been hired.

'why...?' i feel inclined to ask..... 'why me?'

All Because of You

I dont hate you for who y0u are. I hate you for what you're doing to me. Inside, deep inside it hurts now. Its like something burning that wont go away, like a fire that keeps getting more fuel added to it; bringing the flames higher and higher.

You did this, you knew it would hurt but you did it anyway. 'Nice guys finish last', a song i stand by. Do the right thing and you lose, help a friend and you lose, save someone from hurting and you end up getting hurt.

Why now? Everything was starting to make sense at last. Life, work, friends, interviews. Finally my life might be on track. But its not about my life is it. Its about how your life has affected mine.
Someone once told me that love is defined as 'how you make another person feel about themself'. I used to think i done that job pretty well. Maybe i was wrong. I used to think i was loved. Maybe i was wrong - and now you. You made me see the light, with subtle changes i realised what you had done to me, intentional or not. You're not really to blame, i hold no real grievanc'es against you personally - more you as a symbol to what you may now have that i never will.

But thats my nice guy syndrome kicking in, not hating the person, hating the action 'hate the sin, love the sinner' as it were. Well I do hate the sin, I've lost a lot in my life and I have moved on. Today I need to make a choice about what my next step is, do I continue and ignore my internal monologue of paranoia and keep a friend or do i save myself?

Falling

..and then i fell. at last i think i did. its what all the bumps and bruises tell me anyway. the memory blank is strange, yes - i was drinking but not that bad. and why did i blank from the second i left the pub to the second i hit home? literally hit home....the wall.

i looked up and read 'security'. 'what are you doing here?' i asked quite surprised, defensive almost.
'helping you up' the man replied' i cant remember his tone but im guessing one of a man who wasnt impressed.
'well how did you know i was here?' i prodded further, curious as to how he had come to find me in this state i was in..... looking at my over reactions it was a state..... but not a drunken one. something was definitely off about me.
'CCTV' he exhaled reaching to help me
'oh! hey! there's my flat right there!' i said getting up from my slumped position. had i been asleep? unconscious? 'ill just be going in now, sorry about that, night then, sorry, bye' why was i still talking?


the next thing i know im trying to take my contact lenses out and ignoring my face.... i cant get them and decide to check their container. they sit looking up at me, waiting to see my next move. i shut them in the dark again and go back to a reflection that scares me to my core.
head - bashed, cut and scraped
left side of lips - swollen and cut pretty bad
eye - swollen

so it was a fall....... but i wasnt that drunk, im the first to admit it.......... i thought about it a minute. how did i get home. my mind had deserted me on this one, nothing. i was alone with a memory of the security guard and vaguely remember tripping somewhere. he night up to the point of leaving is clear as a bell. i could probably list every new persons name and age, time we moved pubs and time i left but then nothing.

my legs start to feel strained as i remember when i last felt this pain. like running a marathon but not. memory blanks, doing strange things. i had taken a seizure somewhere. had i been alone? had i been ignored, had someone helped me?

i dont know, i never will, maybe i dont want to