Falling

..and then i fell. at last i think i did. its what all the bumps and bruises tell me anyway. the memory blank is strange, yes - i was drinking but not that bad. and why did i blank from the second i left the pub to the second i hit home? literally hit home....the wall.

i looked up and read 'security'. 'what are you doing here?' i asked quite surprised, defensive almost.
'helping you up' the man replied' i cant remember his tone but im guessing one of a man who wasnt impressed.
'well how did you know i was here?' i prodded further, curious as to how he had come to find me in this state i was in..... looking at my over reactions it was a state..... but not a drunken one. something was definitely off about me.
'CCTV' he exhaled reaching to help me
'oh! hey! there's my flat right there!' i said getting up from my slumped position. had i been asleep? unconscious? 'ill just be going in now, sorry about that, night then, sorry, bye' why was i still talking?


the next thing i know im trying to take my contact lenses out and ignoring my face.... i cant get them and decide to check their container. they sit looking up at me, waiting to see my next move. i shut them in the dark again and go back to a reflection that scares me to my core.
head - bashed, cut and scraped
left side of lips - swollen and cut pretty bad
eye - swollen

so it was a fall....... but i wasnt that drunk, im the first to admit it.......... i thought about it a minute. how did i get home. my mind had deserted me on this one, nothing. i was alone with a memory of the security guard and vaguely remember tripping somewhere. he night up to the point of leaving is clear as a bell. i could probably list every new persons name and age, time we moved pubs and time i left but then nothing.

my legs start to feel strained as i remember when i last felt this pain. like running a marathon but not. memory blanks, doing strange things. i had taken a seizure somewhere. had i been alone? had i been ignored, had someone helped me?

i dont know, i never will, maybe i dont want to